On to the big day...
Here's a rundown of my early labor. I'll keep it brief so I can get to the good stuff.
1 a.m. - Crampiness and light contractions start.
3 a.m. - Show time! Bloody show, that is. It's as gross as it sounds.
3-7 a.m. - Somewhat stronger but irregular contractions. Somewhere in that timeframe we determine Michael should stay home from work today and I call my midwife who agrees I'm in early labor.
7-10 a.m. - Continued irregular contractions. At this point I'm pretty sure today is going to be the day! I also take a brief nap sometime in here. Had I known the insane physical ordeal I was about to undergo I would've tried to sleep and rest up as long as possible to fuel me for what lay ahead. Unfortunately I didn't and went into active labor on about three hours of sleep. :(
10 a.m. - Brief walk around the neighborhood with Michael and my mom. Contractions increasing in frequency and strength now.
12:30 p.m. - Happy/chatty early labor has ended and contractions are coming regularly. They're strong enough that I just put in my earbuds (thank you, Lord Huron) and pace around the house silently as I try to breathe and relax through them.
1:30 p.m. - Contractions are now four minutes apart lasting for a minute or more, and uncomfortably strong. I call the birthing center and tell them we are coming in!
2:00 p.m. - Arrive at birthing center. Quick pelvic check. I'm only 3 cm boooo! My midwives assure me though that today is indeed the day, it'll just be awhile. They encourage me to go on another walk. We head to a nearby park and walk for about 20 minutes. Contractions are now painful enough that I have to pause at times and concentrate on getting through them. At this point I'm thinking, "Wow, these are pretty painful, can't get much worse than this, right??" Silly Cheryl!!! These are NOTHING compared to what awaits you!
After the walk we head back to the birthing center where I just continue to pace as the contractions get stronger and more painful. Even a delicious mango popsicle couldn't cheer me up! That's how serious this was!!
On to the real fun. I have no concept of the time that passed over the next five-ish hours, but here are some bullet points of what transpired.
-I didn't originally plan to, but I ended up doing most of my labor in the tub. The warm water just felt really good in between contractions so I stayed in there nearly the whole time.
-The pain. Ohhhh, the pain. I have never felt pain like that in my entire life. I didn't feel it in my back at all, it was all in my abdomen. Each contraction felt like someone was taking all my insides and twisting/wringing them out as hard as they could...for what seemed like ages...every few minutes...for hours on end. I tried pretty unsuccessfully to not think, "I can't do this," because I knew it wouldn't help. Here are some other early thoughts that went through my head.
- Many Gob Bluth moments..."I've made a huge mistake."
- What was I thinking giving birth naturally??
- THIS is why people get epidurals!!
- I was so naive about the pain and now I'm completely unprepared to deal with this with no epidural contingency plan available to me!
My internal monologue went something like this...
God, please help me get through th- AHHHHHH!! PAIN!! PAIN!! PAIN!!
Remember what you learned in your birthing class, remem- ARGHHHHH!!! PAIN!!! PAIN!!!! YFUTGIGJTRSTRFYTFUYF!!!! PAIN!!!!
(From James 1) "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you fa-" NOOOOOO, NOT AGAIN!!! PAIN!!! PAIN!!! PAIN!!!!
Sooo tired. Just want to sleep. Please just let this stop for a little while so I can take a- ARGHHHHH! HERE IT COMES AGAIN!!! PAIN!!! PAIN!! AHHHHHH!!!
And yes, I did scream...as hard as I could...over and over. I didn't think I'd be a screamer but the pain was so intense it was almost involuntary. And it wasn't a high pitched shriek (well, most of the time it wasn't), but let's just say my mom said later, "I've never heard Cheryl scream like that," and Michael was semi-traumatized by how much pain I was obviously in. (Editor's note: While he was semi-traumatized, Michael had also wisely foreseen and warned from the beginning how traumatic labor would be. But alas and alack, I didn't believe him. I was that confident/foolish to think I'd "be fine.")
Despite the screaming and the blinding pain, by God's gracious grace, I never completely lost it. I didn't start crying, although I was pretty close at times, and I was able to fight through it enough to still take the suggestions and instructions that were given me and do them. Also, I didn't start screaming out cuss words or anything. I didn't even think them in my mind. See, that's how mind-erasing the pain was!!
-With Michael and my mom, they were great at supporting me as best they could. My mom prayed for me the whole time and was a calming voice amidst the chaos. (My Dad stayed in a waiting area through the whole thing, but came in after she came out say hi and to take some pictures. No, I was not camera ready, and no, I did not wear makeup to the birth.) And Michael was right by my side the whole time, encouraging me, rubbing my back, holding my head up while I slumped over in the tub in between contractions, etc. He even caught my poop in his hands as I pushed! JUST KIDDING! I did an enema before we went in so I didn't have any poopage during labor. Although, if I had I wouldn't have cared. And yes pushing does feel like pushing out a ginormous poop. TMI? Anywayyyyy I'm sooo thankful for both of them!
-Apparently N was getting caught on a small lip of my cervix, plus my water never broke on it's own, and both these things prolonged my labor a bit. My midwife eventually suggested I get out of the tub and onto the bed to try something else. At that point they confirmed my water hadn't broken so they broke it manually.
-After my water broke it was only another 20 minutes or so before she was out. I felt no pain when she was crowning and coming out. By that point I just wanted it to be over so bad, I actually semi enjoyed the pressure that came with it because I knew the end was at hand!
So once I felt her head come out I kept pushing to get the rest of her out as fast as possible. Apparently, after her head was out the rest of her shot out, and at 8:28 p.m. we officially became parents! Michael got to semi catch her and later got to cut the cord also! Originally he didn't know how much of the gore he'd be able to take and whether he'd want to cut the cord, but he said by the end there was no fear or squeamishness. I mean, after watching a baby emerge from my lady parts after hours of watching me writhe in pain, cutting an umbilical cord is no sweat!
So how did I feel afterwards?
Physically, I was COMPLETELY spent. I basically clenched up my entire body with each contraction, which you're NOT supposed to do (again, unprepared) and my arms got an especially good workout from clutching both the bar on the side of the tub and poor Michael's hand with a death grip. Still, it was amazing how much better I felt once she was out and the contractions were over. I was alert, awake, and actually chatty during the perineum repair sesh.
As for the emotional side of things, everyone had told me that once she was out I would get a rush of joy and know that it was all worth it. Well, that certainly wasn't my experience. When she came out all I could think was, "I am SO glad that's over! That was awful!!!" So yeah, bonding took time, and actually that bonding process has been gradual over even weeks of having her. I just didn't get that instant glow or joy, but then again, I'm not a super sentimental person either.
Over the next few hours I delivered the placenta, started breastfeeding, rested, and got sewn up where I tore a little. I didn't tear that bad but let's just say it still isn't fun having your torn and messed up flesh down there poked and prodded. After they numbed the area to do the stitches I was fine though. I was also able to shower which felt really good.
On N's end she was born very healthy which we were of course extremely thankful to God for. She didn't come out with any bruising or major puffiness, and she was nice and pink with a good cry. She stayed on my chest for a good while to wait for the cord to stop pulsing and empty out. Then once she was officially detached from my she was weighed and measured and got all the normal newborn evaluations and treatments done. She had her hair washed then she got to hang out with Michael and my parents while I was getting sewn up.
We headed home around 12:30 a.m. in pouring rain. I was physically tired but mentally wired from the whole experience, clean, hungry, and wearing an adult diaper. Nora was cozy and sleeping, also wearing a diaper, and it was completely surreal that we were coming home with a baby!
So anyway that's my story. Will I do it again? Time will tell. Afterwards, Michael soberly said, "The decision to have any more biological children is yours. I would never make you to go through that again if you didn't want to." Isn't he a great husband?? I have to admit, at this point I would be fine with just adopting any additional kids we'd want to have, not necessarily because of how hard labor was, but just because I feel like I've experienced it all now and don't necessarily need to go through it all again. Plus we've always wanted to adopt anyway. We'll see.
Despite how difficult and excruciating labor was, I truly don't regret my decision to birth naturally. If I did it again I would still choose the natural route, but I would definitely want to take a full childbirth class that dealt specifically with pain management. We did a one-day class but in hindsight I think a full multi-week class would've prepared me better for labor.
In the end we're just grateful for wonderfully skilled midwives who guided us, and for God's goodness and faithfulness in getting all of us safely through!
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